I Stand By Her, I Believe Her

In the same week Bill Cosby faces sentencing, Brett Kavenaugh is facing strikingly similar accusations. But, it’s not about them. It’s about the women coming forward. It’s about all women. I wish there was something I could say to make this reality different. But, it’s also not about me. I know when the women in my life are very visibly, and justifiably, upset by this topic that it’s “not all men.” I know they know that too. Therefore, that’s not something I’ll ever say without quotations. Ever. I don’t take the frustrations, upsets, and pain women are feeling personally. Other than I know women I care about are strongly feeling those emotions. What I do take personally is other men, as good intentioned as they may be, saying “not all men.” No shit. Another thing I take personally is the fight to demand better from ALL men regarding the issues of sexual assault and rape. Because, even though it’s “not all”, so many men are showing us exactly why so many women don’t report incidents of assault, harassment, and rape. Talks and posts about men needing to be careful to even talk to women for fear their lives will be ruined... stop. We, ALL men, need to stop posting shit like that. We, ALL men need to be better. Act better. And call out those men that don’t. But, again, this isn’t about us. Or me. 

I mean, I can only truly imagine what it’s like to walk in a woman’s shoes. To live a woman’s life. I’ll never truly understand what it’s like. That’s why I know the best I’ve got is this, and this is solidarity.   

Talking Points

Talking Points

- “What about Chicago?” What about Chicago? Do you actually care about the crime and violence rates in Chicago? Or is it just a way to distract from the issue of racially motivated police brutality issues we’re talking about right now? (Or many other issues including, but not limited to, gun laws?)

- Speaking police brutality...

Black Lives Matter is not the same as the KKK. BLM was started as a declaration of self worth and preservation. As a stand against racial injustice facing black people. The KKK are a racist/xenophobic/bigoted  fascist organization that stands for the destruction of anyone that isn’t white or who doesn’t see things how they do. In other words, the KKK supports the racially motivated brutality BLM is against. 

- On fascism...

ANTIFA isn’t a group. It’s a philosophy that literally means anti-fascism. If someone is anti-anti-fascism that person is literally pro-fascism. 

- On Trump...

Trump is not being “misquoted” or “misrepresented” by the “fake news” out there. That’s not saying there isn’t fake news out there, there is. What it’s saying is that the media hits record, then playback. We are seeing and hearing exactly what he does and says. But, if the “he says it how it is” argument only works when he says something that doesn’t get him in trouble, it really doesn’t work at all. That’s an all or nothing approach. 

- Climate change...

Yes, there are factors of climate change that occur naturally without the influence of humans. However, many of those factors are extremely impacted and influenced by human activity. Activities like pollution of all sorts for one. This isn’t a debatable subject. Clean air, clean water, and healthy eco-systems are not parts of this world that can really be compromised. Period. 

- The “not all” argument... 

The “not all” argument is a very often used argument. Meaning, not all gun owners are mass murders. Or not all Muslims are terrorists. If we’re to get that “not all” of a particular group is responsible for one thing, that logic should carry over across issues. Exceptionalism really shouldn’t be a thing. But, annoyingly, it is. 

- Finally, “emotional” responses...

When one person tells another person that he/she is working off of emotion over logic it’s, more often than not, a way to dismiss and diminish they other person’s point of view. And often the other person’s relevance as a person altogether. A person, any person, really should be expected to care about an issue that he or she is talking about. Otherwise, why even say anything at all? 

 

Bill: The Death of My Biological Father

I really still don’t know what to do with this. These thoughts and feelings of, and around, the death of my biological father. I wrote this poem as a way to process it all. It’s safe to say I’m still processing. So, perhaps, the poem is just the start. I went back and forth with wanting and not wanting to share this for many reasons. Some of which is that ongoing process of letting go, or learning, or moving forward, or whatever it is that I’m doing with this. In any case, if you’re reading this, thank you. If you know what this all means, know that you’re not alone.

Bill: The Death of My Biological Father

My father just died.

I’m not even sure what to do with that.

How do I mourn the loss of someone who’s been gone for over half of my life? 

That’s just one of many questions he left me with.

That he left my brother with too.

Like a will written in riddles. 

He made many choices over many years.

The ones that had everything to do with my brother and me will never make sense now.

Would they ever?

Any and all answers died with him. 

His choices couldn’t have been clearer though.

He made so many choices.

“I won’t be a part time father.” 

He opted for being no father at all. 

I think at some point people started to see that saying I have my father’s eyes wasn’t the compliment they meant it as.

I didn’t know what that meant when I was younger

I didn’t know what I meant when I was younger

I just knew there wasn’t an immediate model to learn how to be a man by

(But I lost that long before he died)

I made my peace with the idea that the man I got my middle, and then last, name from had voluntarily left my life.

And that all of that defined me in more ways than I could, or ever will, possibly understand.

I was never at peace with that though

I’m still not

I don’t know how he did it

How he turned his back on two boys with such purpose and drive.

A model of being a man showing us that his only desire was to put himself as far away from my brother and me as he could.

That the hardest I can remember him working was for digging the largest gap he could between him and his sons.

So now I write this

Because he’s passed away

Because I really don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that

Am I sad for lost time?

Am I sad for a life lost?

I don’t know if it was wasted.

I don’t know if the energy and time I’m spending on every thought I’ve ever had for the man was, and is, a waste.

That at 3:something AM all I can do is think and write about a man that never showed he, at some point, ever thought about me,

Or my brother,

Is a waste.

This sure as hell isn’t a tribute to some great man.

There won’t ever be a tribute.

Not from me anyway.

I’m betting it won’t ever come from my brother either.

How do sons honor a man that acted without honorable mention? 

So I write. 

With all the thoughts and feelings that circle back to something simple.

But massive.

In showing me all the ways he did things, made choices,

Moved through his life,

Lived, then died, 

I know, concretely, fiercely, angrily, emotionally, and yes, even proudly,

The man I never want to be.  

The man I never want to be for _____.

The man I never want to be for anyone I love. 

The man I never want to be for anyone who loves me. 

Through choosing nothing, you gave me everything Bill. 

So, thank you for that. 

In showing me what not to do, I learned what to do.

It was a formidable and hard school to graduate from.

But, believe me,

This isn’t a backhanded thank you at all. 

In fact, it’s the only thanks you’ll ever get from me.